How High Heart Leaders Can Set Unapologetic Boundaries
Toxic positivity is exhausting. ☣️
Back in 2023, I wrote an article titled "The Power of Positive Thinking: How to Cultivate a Growth Mindset and Achieve Your Goals". In it, I made a confession that took me years to realize:
"While striving for a positive mindset, I realized that I had toxic positivity... As an eternal optimist (DISC Personality D/I, Enneagram 7), I always see the positive, but I didn't allow others to feel their feelings. This denied others the opportunity to experience negative emotions such as sadness, anger or frustration which leads to repressed emotions. Repressing emotions can have negative impacts on mental and emotional well-being."
I learned the hard way that forcing good vibes only harms the team, the customers, and the whole organization. Cohesion requires acknowledging and validating where people are, rather than rushing them to smile through the mess.
On our April 8, 2025 episode of the UH-OH Conversations with Cohesive Leaders podcast, Charlynda Scales (founder of Mutt's Sauce LLC and author of Rock Bottom Has a Trampoline) shared what happens when high-heart leaders fall into this pattern and how setting unapologetic boundaries saved her business.
If you’re a new subscriber and missed that conversation, here are three takeaways on how to stop forcing fake optimism and start building team trust.
1. The "I Love All These People" Dilemma
Early on, Charlynda brought in a new assistant to help review her business operations. After diving into the books, her assistant came back with a blunt assessment: "You need to fire half the people you work with."
Charlynda was shocked. "I love all these people!" she said.
Her assistant replied, "That’s the problem."
Charlynda was letting her personal affection for vendors and contractors blind her to the fact that money was leaking out of her business. She mistook business accountability for a lack of friendship. Her assistant taught her that you can end a bad business contract and still grab a beer as friends afterward.
Our On Purpose Takeaway: Caring for your people doesn't mean ignoring poor performance, bad fits, or broken systems. Toxic positivity tells you to gloss over the numbers to keep everyone happy. Cohesive leadership sets firm operational boundaries so the mission can survive.
2. Don't Fire Your Office Pessimist
When Charlynda’s assistant first came in calling out problems, it would have been easy for a High-I optimist to label her as cantankerous or a bad culture fit. Instead, Charlynda realized that frustration often happens when someone has a high diagnostic skill (seeing what’s broken) but zero authority to fix it.
When you shut down critical thinkers because they aren't "positive" enough, you kill your best source of problem solving. Charlynda empowered her assistant to map out the issues, and that "pessimist" turned out to have a Lean Six Sigma mindset in disguise.
In Cohesive Culture terms, Charlynda applied the three core elements of cohesion:
- Belonging: Creating a space where hard truths were safe to speak.
- Value: Giving her assistant's diagnostic skills real meaning.
- Mutual Commitment: Collaborating to fix the leaks together.
Our On Purpose Takeaway: Stop asking your team to mask their frustration with optimism. Validate their feelings, listen to the data, and empower your vocal critics to become your best problem solvers.
3. Seek Like-Hearted, Not Just Like-Minded Leaders
Toxic positivity loves like-minded people because like-minded people agree with you, validate your bad decisions, and stroke your ego.
As Charlynda points out, what you actually need in your corner are like-hearted people.
Like-minded people tell you what you want to hear. Like-hearted people share your core values, meet you in your UH-OH moments, and have the courage to deliver tough love because they care about your growth.
Charlynda shared a story about sitting in a brand-new apartment with no furniture during a painful personal transition, ready to pull back from the world. A like-hearted mentor called her up, refused to let her hide, and reminded her that her story was bigger than her current pain which pushed her to step up on a global platform for military spouses.
Our On Purpose Takeaway: Feedback is a gift unless it’s delivered with a sword. Surround yourself with people who share your heart, but aren't afraid to call out your blind spots.
The 3-Step "Anti-Toxic Positivity" Leadership Check
This week, challenge yourself to step out of the good vibes bubble and audit your leadership:
- Is there a vendor, project, or process you’re keeping around purely out of sentiment or ego, even though the data says it’s failing?
- Who on your team is constantly complaining? Schedule 15 minutes with them this week and ask: "You spot broken things easily. If you had full authority, how would you fix it?"
- The next time a team member expresses frustration or anxiety, resist the urge to immediately silver-line it. Practice active listening first, validate where they are, and work together on the next step.
If you haven't heard Charlynda Scales share her journey, her military roots, and her insights on turning rock bottom into a launchpad, do yourself a favor and click below to listen to her episode of UH-OH Conversations with Cohesive Leaders.
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